22 Jul 2012

German Grand Prix - Hockenheim - not the race review

Due to the fact Jenson Button was looking on course to win the German GP, but didn't, our usual correspondent is sulking and hasn't written his race report.  Therefore we bring you these EXCLUSIVE* statements from various members of the F1 paddock.

Ferrari - Fernando qualified in pole position and went on to win the race.  This is a 100% conclusion that the Ferrari way is the best way.  Felipe did as he was asked and filled the track with carbon fibre which gave Hamilton a puncture.  

Felipe Massa - For sure I was ask by Mr Domenicali for sure if I could for sure make sure for sure that for sure I could for sure rip my front wing off for sure and fill the track with carbon fibre for sure.  For sure I despise Hamilton for sure so I was for sure pleased.  I for sure love this track for sure so it was for sure an honour to cover it for sure in bits of Ferrari.  For sure Mr Domenicali says he will for sure give me a contract for sure for 2013 now.  For sure.

Johnny Herbert - It was to be honest a great race but it was slightly overshadowed by that git Simon Lazenby.  To be honest he's really starting to get on my tits now.  I mean to be honest he makes a joke about my lack of height at least three times a race.  To be honest it's getting beyond a joke.  To be honest it was a great race though.  Except Jenson didn't win so it wasn't to be honest it was a bit rubbish.

Simon Lazenby - It was a great race although, like Johnny, it was a bit short.  Did you see McLaren's pit stop.  At 2.4 seconds it was the shortest ever, like Johnny.

Johnny Herbert - F*ck off Lazenby.

Adrian Newey - I nearly didn't make it into the track this morning.  A local policeman flagged me down and accused me of speeding.  He told me that his speed gun told him I was travelling at 192.365 kilometres per hour.  I then proceeded to point out to him that my trusty old Jaguar E-type is fitted with a Neweymatic velocity measurement device and, whilst it may seem that at 121.673 mph I may  technically be 88.472 mph over the speed limit, it was in fact he who was wrong as the Neweymatic velocity measurement device equates the rotational aspect of the earth with the space time continuum and pi to create a calculated speed known only to a handful of men throughout the world and he certainly wasn't one of them.  I therefore told him that he was wrong and he should go away and recalibrate his machine.  Happily he agreed although he did look somewhat confused.

Derek Warwick - Oooh arr.  We ztewards be pointing out to Red Bull that their zzzoftware may not be strictly be within them thar rules.  Happily over a glaaaass or two of zzzider that nice Adrrrian Newey be pointing out to us that it was in fact us that be wrong.  We tolds him he were a naughty boy and that he shouldn't be doing it again.  That teld him!

Williams - Today the Maldonator malfunctioned.  It was performing well in free practice 2 when it set the fastest time but unfortunately some rain got into it's circuits and we just could't make it work properly today.  It tried to Maldonate Nico Rosberg at one point but it just wobbled about a bit.  Hopefully by Hungary it will be functioning properly and will either win or Maldonate the whole field just like it's meant to.  Meanwhile Bruno performed adequately.  He didn't score but his Brazilian dollars bought several new parts for the car.

Simon Lazenby - Jenson Button ran a good race but at the end he came up a bit short.  A bit like Johnny.

Michael Schumacher - This is the one race of the year when I feel special and at home with my fans.  Yes it gives me the ability to wear my shiny bomber jacket, snow-washed denim shorts, white socks and chunky gold chain and not feel a complete prat.  I even slicked back my hair.  Did you notice?  It was lovely.  I don't care how the race went.  Did you know I'm 42?  But I don't feel it.  Look I can do star jumps.

Johnny Herbert - Right I'm going to get my mates Damon and Martin and we're going to kick the sh*t out of you Lazenby you smarmy tw*t.

Martin Brundle and Damon Hill - We're well up for that Johnny.  We can't stand him either.

McLaren - Jenson ran a good race today.  Unfortunately he somehow managed to get the Tour de France feed on his radio and whilst he was chanting "Go Wiggo! Go Wiggo!" Vettel went round the outside of him, off track, through the forest and ultimately came back on track in front of him.  Adrian Newey then explained to the stewards that it was Jenson who was wrong rather than Sebastian and they decided to take no action.  Lewis' race wasn't quite so good.  In fact he was so keen to start his 100th race party early that he pulled into the pits and started drinking Babycham with Kanye West and 50 Cent half an hour before the end.

Jake Humphrey and Eddie Jordan - Was there a race on today?  Really?  Who won?

UPDATE - Since the above statements were taken Sebastian Vettel has had 20 seconds added to his time due to his passing move on Jenson Button being outside the limits of the track.  This was achieved by giving Adrian Newey a Rubiks Cube with some yellow stickers removed and replaced with green thereby making it impossible for him to complete.  The stewards therefore had a few minutes to think straight and awarded Vettel the penalty.

UPDATED ON THE UPDATE - Adrian Newey has completed the impossible Rubiks Cube by applying his knowledge of the Higgs Boson and the fact that the green stickers could be at any point or position in time and space.  However because it took him 4 minutes 23.896 seconds the FIA stewards managed to announce their Vettel decision first.

*which we've made up