8 Jan 2015

Driving When You Really Need A Wee

We've all done it, forgotten to squeeze that last wee out before heading off out in the car. And then you need one. And there's nowhere to stop.

Yes it's a grim subject but we all do it. Humans need to wee (I hate the word urinate - sounds so medical) several times a day. We spend lots of time in our cars and we don't have toilets in cars so there comes a time when you find yourself driving whilst really, really busting for a pee.

If you think about it there are surprisingly few places to take a leak at the side of the road. It's easier for blokes. I've watered many a hedge at the side of a rural road. In fact there's a farm track right next to Stonehenge on the A303 that's my favourite place to stop for a wee whilst on a late night drive back from some work trip in the south west.

But, unless you plan it in advance, you can never actually find somewhere to pee by the side of the road - especially if you REALLY need to go. And I should imagine it's almost impossible for girls.

I remember driving back home down the A34 one Sunday afternoon.  I thought I could hold it in and sailed past the A34 services but oh no. I HAD to go.  But could I find anywhere that didn't make me look like either a murderer or a pervert?

No I couldn't. I assessed every lay-by. Bushes too thin - people will think I'm up to no good. Thick bushes but no obvious place to get in there to take a leak. Houses nearby. The only place I saw which would be perfect for a crafty slash already had a car parked in it.

You cannot go for a wee in bushes in a lay-by if there's another car there already. You will look like you're the weirdo who leaves soiled underwear or other suspect items there.

Nope - sometimes you've got to hold it in and drive.

But when you're driving whilst in dire need of a piss you can't drive properly.

I don't know about you but my brain spends so much time and energy reminding me that I need a wee but that I must hold it in that there's not much brainpower left for driving.

I forget what gear I'm in and change from 2nd to 5th to 3rd to 6th, I can't steer properly, I can't use the clutch, when I press the brake it's as if I'm wearing concrete shoes and stamp on the pedal.

The seatbelt normally presses so gently against my stomach I can't feel it but when I need a wee it feels like someone is behind me pulling it as hard as possible against my bladder. I pull at the top part of the belt and then feed it out so it's not pressing on my tummy, but then it slowly tightens. I end up loosening it every two minutes.

And everyone in front of you is in the way. Normally I sit patiently behind cars doing 55mph in a 60 zone but when the need for a wee is paramount I'm weaving around looking for a way past. And there is never any possibility to overtake. But there would be if I didn't need to take a wee.

And then, glory be, the traffic thins. No-one in front, no-one around at all. A mile of free road. That's when I drive at my absolute best. I enter 'Colin McRae in need of a wee' mode - clip every apex, brake at the absolute last minute, spin the rears, cut seconds off my best time.

Honestly, I could win a world rally stage if I drank two litres of water half an hour beforehand and didn't go to the toilet before strapping myself into the car.

In between the crap driving, weaving around and the pulling at the seat belt is the jigging. Like jigging up and down is going to make the utterly desperate need to take a slash go away. But we do it anyway. I must look like the king of all nutters when in urgent pee mode.

Then it's the last mile. You've not found anywhere to stop for a pee, you've not passed any services, you've jigged and weaved and driven like a moron. All the traffic lights are red. You jig about and say under your breathe, "Need a wee, need a wee," over and over.

Half a mile. Someone ahead of you stops to turn right, waiting for a break in the traffic.  Nooooooooo. I REALLY NEED A WEE, I'VE HELD IT IN THIS FAR AND I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT IN MY PANTS HALF A MILE FROM HOME!

The traffic clears, you speed home in a blur, park like a BMW X6 driver, leave the car unlocked, can't find the front door key, jig at the door as you try and locate it, finally let yourself in, ignore the dog and the family, screaming, "Can't talk need a wee," and then finally, blessed relief, you finally take that wee.

Best feeling in the world.

By Matt Hubbard