29 Jul 2012

Hungarian Grand Prix - Hungaroring - Not the race review

Once again our people have scoured the pit lane to bring you these EXCLUSIVE* nuggets of information, gossip and untruth:

Lewis Hamilton - Fo sho I telt them dat b-boy LewyD is da man.  I is ass whuppin da field man.  I is LewyD as LewyH sound da shiz man.  Yo 'ere come da papa.  Wot up big man A?
Anthony Hamilton - Lewis.  Talk properly will you.
Lewis Hamilton - Oh sorry father.  I was forgetting myself for a moment there.  Anyway as I was saying I won today as I made no mistakes and I am the best driver ever.  Except for Ayrton who won here 3 times. Oh wait I won here 3 times too so I am as good as Ayrton which makes me the best driver ever and equal with Ayrton.  Fo sho.

Martin Whitmarsh - That was an excellent win by Lewis and we're looking forward to him signing a contract for McLaren for next year.

Fernando Alonso - Today ees my thirty one birthday.  I am 'appy.

Felipe Massa - For sure Mr Domenicali is a bad man for sure for he did not sign my contract for sure so for sure I made for sure sure I did not win this race and for sure I could have for sure won for sure but I chose not to for sure to make for sure Mr Domenicali suffer for sure.  For sure he is a bad man for sure. For sure I say to him you are for sure a bad for sure man Mr for sure Domenicali for sure you should have given for sure me a Ferrari for sure contract for sure for next year for sure.  And for sure I have to drive for sure for Caterham for sure.  He is a bad man for sure.  And for sure I did for sure go for sure to the toilet in my car for sure because they are for sure all against me for sure and they for sure all need to be for sure punished.  For sure.

Lewis Hamilton - I may or not sign a contract with McLaren.

Kimi Raikonnen - WellyouknowIamhappybecauseIwassecondbutyouknowIamnothappybecauseIdidnotwin.

Martin Whitmarsh - Pleeeeeeeease Lewis.  Sign here.  I have the contract and a pen.  It would make Ron very happy.  You like making Uncle Ron happy don't you?

Pastor Maldonado - I am doing very happy in the race and then DiResta try to overtake me so I Maldonate him.  Hahahahahaha

Lewis Hamilton - Maybe, maybe not.

Michael Schumacher - Well Corinne and I came to Budapest a few days early and we toured all the usual sites and had a lovely time.  On Thursday we had a lovely morning sitting on a park bench with a blanket on our knees drinking coffee from our tartan Thermos flask.  Well then by race day I was quite jiggered by all that walking around and looking at things because my old bones are starting to feel a bit creaky now.  So when the lights went funny at the start I thought oooh there's a problem somewhere, maybe we'll all turn off our engines and have a nice picnic by the track.  But then the lights went out and they all shot off the little rapscallions.  After 50 laps I had to come in for a wee because my bladder's not like it used to be.  And then Ross told me not to bother going back out.

Jenson Button - The car went well at the start but then it went floaty at the front.  so I radioed in to tell the team it was all floaty at the front and I don't like it all floaty at the front.  I just can't cope with it being floaty at the front.  They said we should switch to Plan B and I said is that the one that stops it being all floaty at the front and they said yes so we switched to Plan B but it was still all floaty and a bit wishy washy too.  I can't stand it being all wishy washy at the front.  I tried my hardest but it stayed floaty and wishy washy at the front so I didn't do very well.  Lewis said his car wasn't floaty at the front or wishy washy and that is why he won.  It wasn't my fault it was the cars fault.  Because it was floaty at the front.  And wishy washy at the end.

Stefano Domenicali - What's that smell?  It's somewhere near Felipe's car.  Can you smell it?  

Martin Whitmarsh - Lewis if you don't sign for next year Ron is going to be very cross with you.  You don't want Uncle Ron to be cross with you do you?

Narain Karthikeyan - After Michael's car broke down the team told me I wasn't last anymore so I could crash it anywhere I liked as they can't afford the fuel to get to the end of the race.

Felipe Massa - For sure you are a bad man Mr for sure Domenicali.

Jake Humphrey - Race, what race?  Is there a race on this weekend.  Why didn't anyone tell me.

Lewis Hamilton - No.  I is gunna party hard dis summer wit DJ Bunga and MC Gangstarasta and den I sees wot happen.  And ting.  Riiight.  We outta here!

Bernie Ecclestone - You didn't see me.  I wasn't here.  If anyone says they saw me I'll know it was you and you'll be at the bottom of the Danube wearing concrete shoes.  Got it?

*which we have made up